Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
