Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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