My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
