Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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