K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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