Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
