every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He passed out mid-signature
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
