There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
