It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
