She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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