My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
