There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
