Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He passed out mid-signature
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
