Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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