Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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