Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
