if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
