If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
