Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
