new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
