Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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