Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
