Is it because I queefed?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Pants are for mortals
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
