A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
