i jhust puked up my retainher.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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