So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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