Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
