She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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