I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
