Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
