I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
