More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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