remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
