Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
