Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
