note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
