Soap is not a condiment
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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