I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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