Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
