Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
