he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
