Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm too high and old for this...
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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