how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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