you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
