So drunk, too bad you don't want this
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
