fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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