he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
