You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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