Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
