How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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