phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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