If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
